A path of devotion

yeahhhhh never not meditating again...

Dear Lovers,

Happy Venus Day!

I’m writing this on a Jupiter night, but I hope my words resonate with you as you read this on Friday morning.

I’ve just finished my meditation. A short one this time, but with silence. I’ve been meditating in silence all month - well kinda. You see today is the first day in four days of meditation. Last week was the same, 4 days went by without my practice. And Boy oh boy am I feeling it. I’m feeling its absence in the anxiety that churns in my belly. I feel it in the tension that jumps on my shoulders. I feel it in the exhaustion that pitter patters in my brain. Yeah….no. I’m good on skipping my meditation practice. It’s a necessity for me! Twice daily. A necessity.

I reflected with one of my best friends on how I was frustrated with my sensitivity. Here’s what I wrote to her:

“I do appreciate my sensitivity in many instances, and I’m learning to view it as a superpower. But also I am slightly frustrated that my “normal” looks so different and that I have to build a specialized life in order to stay well. Must sleep, take meds, must meditate, must dance, must drink teas. I’m grateful that my body requires me to live a life of wellness but today I’m also slightly annoyed that I can’t do what everybody else does and be well. And that a few days without my routine completely knocks me off my balance. Like rn I’m very very angry. feeling very tense in my shoulders. I remember the days I could sleep 4 hours 5 nights in a row. I thought I was fine but I actually wasn’t. Now it costs me my peace to not have my rituals, and I KNOW there are many positives to being a sensitive intuitive creative spiritual medicine woman AND the specialized care we require can in it of itself be exhausting.”

Yeah…My rage and annoyance were up 1000% when I sent this text to her. Why am I required to be in practice daily? Why must I remain devoted to my rituals? Why do I require so much care? Why can’t I be easy?

And the question is, easy to whom? I realized that I’ve internalized other people’s issue with the care I require.

Then, I also realized what a gift it is to care for myself. To love on myself. It is a gift to meditate, and sit in silence with my thoughts, to build intimacy with my brain. It is a gift to move my body tenderly in yoga and dance. It is a gift to sit at my altar and pray to my ancestors. Lighting my candles, refreshing my altar water, burning incense, writing in my journal. It is a gift to say my daily affirmations and do my mirror work. To read my latest obsession and plan my days around my 5x a week pilates class. Loving me is a gift, and has endless rewards. I only get better with these rituals. I only grow closer to myself with these practices.

Requiring so much care reminds me to continue to grow like roses. Beautiful, open, but fiercely protected. With every thorn I am armed with softness. Armed with safety. Armed with surrender.

I am required to be in daily ritual because I am in my high priestess era. There was a time, as noted above, where I could function in the do, do, do. Cups of wine, several puffs of cannabis, half-nights sleep and lots of late night fries. Bottles of coca-cola and a drawer of super sweets. I cannot live that lifestyle anymore. And there is certainly grief. Grief from not being able to do what I saw able in many others. Sweets and fries aside, I do still get fomo from watching others indulge in a non-sober lifestyle. In watching them easily consume and then flow with the warmth of these indulgences. Why not me?

I must admit, I am still sitting with my sensitivity as my superpower. I will continue to reclaim her. This brain and body of mine cannot do what many of the world can do without consequences. But what if this level of required care and nourishment means I am meant to walk a different path? A path of the devoted.

Devotion. If I had to choose three words to sum up my life right now, they’d be expansion, embodiment, and devotion.

Instead of recoiling against the “discipline” required to keep my spirit well, I will lean into the devotion of my wellness. In turn, the devotion to myself. I am a living altar of my own spirit. I AM THE ALTAR. Time to lock in and devote to this knowledge. What if the same love I choose to pour into my ancestors was also poured into me?

Here’s to walking the path of devotion, unapologetically.

Thank you for journeying with me. This may be an awkward transition, but I’m calling in all the Devotee’s to meet in Costa Rica this June.

Come rise with me. Join my goddess festival on the Caribbean coast of Costa Rica. You deserve this. I deserve this. The feminine deserves this.

Xo,

Na